Quarantine Blues

I’ve been trying to write an update for a while but always find myself at a dead end before I start. Aaran and I differ so much when it comes to working on our personal projects particularly during this quarantine period. He’ll get an idea and immediately dive into it with no qualms whatsoever and I admire him deeply for this. I, on the other hand, feel like an imposter even before I begin and thus get a sense of anxiety at the thought of revealing myself even to you, my friends and family. As these strange times have kept us in our homes (and might I say we are so fortunate to have homes), I know many of you will understand the complicated feelings that quarantine has cornered us with. 

I am trying to face up to homesickness (if you know me you know I love my family more than anything), joblessness and trying to find one in this time of mass unemployment, learning the culture of a new country, understanding my identity in this new country along with its societal structures, and how to contribute to the space I occupy. At the same time, I’m finding ways not to think about these things until they are no longer avoidable. 

Aaran and I usually go on walks together so I can familiarize myself with the area. Yesterday, as he had a full day of calls scheduled, I decided to pop to the asian market by myself to get some regular provisions. It was a beautiful sunny midmorning, about 11am, with just enough of a chill in the air for a light jacket. I was halfway into the mile walk when I noticed a middle aged man cross the road towards me. Upon passing me I heard him utter an offensive expression under his breath. Confused if I had assessed the moment correctly I glanced over my shoulder shortly after passing him to find he had turned around to be walking in the same direction I was going and staring at me. I made it to my destination without being stalked but feeling completely disheartened from the experience. I have always known that I am treated differently when I step out with Aaran verses when I am in public by myself. I knew I had to rediscover my personal identity in a new place with racial, class, political structures that are different from what I know. I also understand that my light complexion and cis relationship comes with privilages and I have to learn how best to be an ally to others in this new place, too.

In times like this I think about the adversity that my parents went through when they arrived in Minnesota 40 years ago. They persevered, raised the best people I know (my siblings) who then raised more best people I know (my nieces and nephews), and provided a beautiful life for me. When I remember this humble legacy I know I can take on any unknown future and shake off any unkind stranger.

If you’re in a bit of a funk like me, please remember to be kind to yourself and be kind to others.

Love,
S.